Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Almost 3 weeks ago, I saw a clothing that I absolutely must have.
It was a black cardigan. Full of eyeballs.
My usual shopping pattern is to 'survey' for other alternatives, or re-visit the store as many time as I want, think seriously on how i can carry that outfit, go home and think again.
I'll do it even if the sales person can recongise and get fed up with me.
I know I've fallen in love with the eyeball cardigan instantly, but the price tag require serious reflection.
Tried to look for funds for it, could have gotten my mother to sponsor it, but eventually I know I can't count on our unstable relationships.
Think of it almost everyday and finally today, went back to buy it.
IT'S GONE.
IT'S SOLD.
My heart is broken... I'll pay that freaking 140bucks now.
Just let me have my eyeball cardigan please...
Note to self: Buy it no matter how your wallet says no and limit your 'survey' duration to 1 week instead.
Note to self...
Made and learn a mistake today...
Almost 3 weeks ago, I saw a clothing that I absolutely must have.
It was a black cardigan. Full of eyeballs.
My usual shopping pattern is to 'survey' for other alternatives, or re-visit the store as many time as I want, think seriously on how i can carry that outfit, go home and think again.
I'll do it even if the sales person can recongise and get fed up with me.
I know I've fallen in love with the eyeball cardigan instantly, but the price tag require serious reflection.
Tried to look for funds for it, could have gotten my mother to sponsor it, but eventually I know I can't count on our unstable relationships.
Think of it almost everyday and finally today, went back to buy it.
IT'S GONE.
IT'S SOLD.
My heart is broken... I'll pay that freaking 140bucks now.
Just let me have my eyeball cardigan please...
Note to self: Buy it no matter how your wallet says no and limit your 'survey' duration to 1 week instead.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 6/09/2010 11:20:00 PM
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Or rather, whenever i see them...
It's really weird, because we've knew each other more than a decade, and has meeting up regularly over the years. But we our actual friendship span might be a year's worth. As much as I'm very appreciative for these friendships, we never ever get/want to close up the gap between us.
It has probably gotten to a point whereby all the opposite sex, including my own boyfriend, might be on better terms than them.
Having to watch them taking pics among themselves at every gatherings is becoming a torture to me. It's so tormenting that i feel like giving up on gatherings sometimes.
Sometimes i don't even know what's my existence there for... Watch my decade-old friends boasting on their bonds as i slipped into the background, hide in shame for my inability to bond?
I know we're all selective about the things around us. Who can be best friends with everybody? Heck, I have 3 best friends to understand this theory well enough. But this 'exclusive' selectivity has become so brutally raw... that it's so painful to watch. Sometimes I really wish i could dig a hole to temporary soothe the pain and awkwardness...
It's almost like a type of public display of affection among friends, only you're not part of it at all...
Lately, it has become so bad that i can almost feel depression at my fingertips, gradually spreading to hands, my lungs, my heart... and finally my brain.
I can't stop rubbing my hands. My fingers start to tremble. My breathing getting harder. My heartbeat getting faster, and my head starts to get irrational.
I can't stop looking at Kai, seeking for his gaze, to tell him how insecure and scared i am.
It's such a familiar feeling... A feeling that i still very much fear.
It's the very same feeling that once tore my mind and soul apart. I can almost feel this inner demon inside me, wanting to be unleash once again.
I really do not want to go back to the very same nightmare again.
I know my will/determination/attitude has always been much weaker than the others. Which is why i need to self-quarantine myself from the people mentioned above before it gets worse... Before i thoroughly lose the remaining friendships i have... Before my loved ones and me can't recongise myself again... I'm sorry...
Wallpaper
I find the ability to stay cheerful harder these couple of days.
Or rather, whenever i see them...
It's really weird, because we've knew each other more than a decade, and has meeting up regularly over the years. But we our actual friendship span might be a year's worth. As much as I'm very appreciative for these friendships, we never ever get/want to close up the gap between us.
It has probably gotten to a point whereby all the opposite sex, including my own boyfriend, might be on better terms than them.
Having to watch them taking pics among themselves at every gatherings is becoming a torture to me. It's so tormenting that i feel like giving up on gatherings sometimes.
Sometimes i don't even know what's my existence there for... Watch my decade-old friends boasting on their bonds as i slipped into the background, hide in shame for my inability to bond?
I know we're all selective about the things around us. Who can be best friends with everybody? Heck, I have 3 best friends to understand this theory well enough. But this 'exclusive' selectivity has become so brutally raw... that it's so painful to watch. Sometimes I really wish i could dig a hole to temporary soothe the pain and awkwardness...
It's almost like a type of public display of affection among friends, only you're not part of it at all...
Lately, it has become so bad that i can almost feel depression at my fingertips, gradually spreading to hands, my lungs, my heart... and finally my brain.
I can't stop rubbing my hands. My fingers start to tremble. My breathing getting harder. My heartbeat getting faster, and my head starts to get irrational.
I can't stop looking at Kai, seeking for his gaze, to tell him how insecure and scared i am.
It's such a familiar feeling... A feeling that i still very much fear.
It's the very same feeling that once tore my mind and soul apart. I can almost feel this inner demon inside me, wanting to be unleash once again.
I really do not want to go back to the very same nightmare again.
I know my will/determination/attitude has always been much weaker than the others. Which is why i need to self-quarantine myself from the people mentioned above before it gets worse... Before i thoroughly lose the remaining friendships i have... Before my loved ones and me can't recongise myself again... I'm sorry...
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 7/07/2009 11:49:00 PM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Been having stomach upset the whole day and farted the day away.
I know this is what i've been working my way up to for years...
I know i love the country so much and can't wait to move there.
I know i've always wanted to be part of this.
But now that it has arrived... I'm 即期待又怕受傷害.
I promised i'll do you guys proud and not be discouraged over the slightest thing.
I promised to do my very best and shine.
I promised to really enjoy myself and show them who i really are.
I promised not to cry.
I miss my dearie and lao pos and 6eians already. :(
God please bless me with your faith and wisdom, everything will go on smoothly.
GOD PLEASE BE WITH ME!!!
leaving in a few hours time..
I am so nervous rather than being excited.
Been having stomach upset the whole day and farted the day away.
I know this is what i've been working my way up to for years...
I know i love the country so much and can't wait to move there.
I know i've always wanted to be part of this.
But now that it has arrived... I'm 即期待又怕受傷害.
I promised i'll do you guys proud and not be discouraged over the slightest thing.
I promised to do my very best and shine.
I promised to really enjoy myself and show them who i really are.
I promised not to cry.
I miss my dearie and lao pos and 6eians already. :(
God please bless me with your faith and wisdom, everything will go on smoothly.
GOD PLEASE BE WITH ME!!!
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 1/12/2009 02:43:00 AM
Thursday, October 9, 2008
但你又知道什麼...?
Disappointed...
Only because i thought we ought to know this betrayal better than anyone else.
他安靜了...
沉默是他最後的温柔 是因为他太爱你
但你又知道什麼...?
Disappointed...
Only because i thought we ought to know this betrayal better than anyone else.
Labels: emo, thoughts and reflection
looked up to the sky at 10/09/2008 11:11:00 PM
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Mud all over my pants
Spend the whole day not at my seat
Disappointed that i couldn't even spend the last 10 hours peacefully
Pissed off with myself for never being able to perfect my work
Just when you think the fire couldn't get anymore stronger
Here comes another mega oil spill from the unhelpful (yet again).
All that helps me keep in sane are the photos,
and that verse that i repetitively reminded myself of...
Before i'll be gone.
What a wonderful day....
Had a hard fall on my way to work
Mud all over my pants
Spend the whole day not at my seat
Disappointed that i couldn't even spend the last 10 hours peacefully
Pissed off with myself for never being able to perfect my work
Just when you think the fire couldn't get anymore stronger
Here comes another mega oil spill from the unhelpful (yet again).
All that helps me keep in sane are the photos,
and that verse that i repetitively reminded myself of...
Before i'll be gone.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 9/10/2008 12:00:00 AM
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Been trying to XXXX at the more XXXXXXXX side of XXXXXX.
As usual, my initiate reaction was to XXXXX myself and everything. Got XXXXXX XXX with myself and those people who didn't see how much this means to me.
So XXXX of myself XXXXXXXX XXXXXX over people-who-XX-XXX-XXXX-XX-XXXX's comments.
STOP XXXXXXX when you didn't even know / experience!
I know i've XXXX XX my XXXX, though i don't XXXX that i still do XXXXXXXX.
But i've gave in my 90%. 10% for XXXXXXXXXXXX. But i've really tried to minimise!
I know i did not purposely bring XXXXXX down.
SO XXXX IT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A XXXXXXXXXX RELATIONSHIP, LIKE THOSE YOU HAVE WITH XXXXXX???
Tomorrow, once i've woken up, i will forget everything and it's a brand new day again. yeah.
I spoke too soon...
What a XXX day...
Been trying to XXXX at the more XXXXXXXX side of XXXXXX.
As usual, my initiate reaction was to XXXXX myself and everything. Got XXXXXX XXX with myself and those people who didn't see how much this means to me.
So XXXX of myself XXXXXXXX XXXXXX over people-who-XX-XXX-XXXX-XX-XXXX's comments.
STOP XXXXXXX when you didn't even know / experience!
I know i've XXXX XX my XXXX, though i don't XXXX that i still do XXXXXXXX.
But i've gave in my 90%. 10% for XXXXXXXXXXXX. But i've really tried to minimise!
I know i did not purposely bring XXXXXX down.
SO XXXX IT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A XXXXXXXXXX RELATIONSHIP, LIKE THOSE YOU HAVE WITH XXXXXX???
Tomorrow, once i've woken up, i will forget everything and it's a brand new day again. yeah.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 6/07/2008 02:31:00 AM
Friday, January 4, 2008
Hai had a bad night yesterday but thank goodness for Tous and Kai... I need you guys so much. *hug*
So accurate! 啊啊!!!
A good beginning makes a good ending?
Hai had a bad night yesterday but thank goodness for Tous and Kai... I need you guys so much. *hug*
OMG is this another 21st year old crisis or i'm just going back to my depression self again?!?
Personality colour quiz
Your Existing Situation
- Unwilling to extend herself or exert undue effort (with the possible exception of sexual activity). Feels that further progress requires more from her than she is willing or able to give. Would prefer reasonable comfort and security rather than the rewards of greater ambition.
Your Stress Sources
- Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.
Your Restrained Characteristics
- Insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but need reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
- Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail.
Your Actual Problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.So accurate! 啊啊!!!
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 1/04/2008 11:26:00 AM
Sunday, December 23, 2007
All my life, i've tried to be the best person i can. (or at the very least i feel that i've tried)
I don't really approve people making endless fun of someone over the slightest things because someone did that to me and i seriously hate it.
I don't approve this and that.
Because i've always tried my very best to put myself into their shoes, and the end conclusion is,
i disapprove because i wouldn't want someone else to treat me the same too.
I can say that i've treated all my friends with my best sincerity.
But at the end of the day, it all doesn't matter actually.
I find myself only to be too serious and boring...
And who cares whether i've tried to do the right thing?
Because even if my friends did me wrong, they somehow managed to ignore the fact that they did me wrong and turn their back and abandoned these friendships.
I'm really in awe.
So can they do that? Without having to feel guilty that they've made their friends suffer because of their selfishness?
I know everyone's self-centered to a certain extent... But why, at the end of the day, i'm the losing end when i'm trying to do my very best for every friendships that i have?
Why, that people can accept their bad habits or attitudes but not mine?
This has been a quiet-er Christmas... and my birthday to come.
I can't deny that i'm pretty disappointed at how things have turn out because i know i've tried my best and i'm not guilty at all, but why, hasn't these people treasure me?
Why am i the only one who's still trying to sustain this friendship?
And why are the people around us willing to accept him/her letting me down but not acknowledging my efforts?
So if i can be or act whatever i want, what am i the lonely / disappointed one?
Haha. What a useless ranting entry.
But at the very least, i've Tous to look forward to tomorrow and my brand new limited edition converse shoes from Kai!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*dear God will you let my life to go on more smoothly, please?*
i'm really confused.
i really don't understand sometimes.
All my life, i've tried to be the best person i can. (or at the very least i feel that i've tried)
I don't really approve people making endless fun of someone over the slightest things because someone did that to me and i seriously hate it.
I don't approve this and that.
Because i've always tried my very best to put myself into their shoes, and the end conclusion is,
i disapprove because i wouldn't want someone else to treat me the same too.
I can say that i've treated all my friends with my best sincerity.
But at the end of the day, it all doesn't matter actually.
I find myself only to be too serious and boring...
And who cares whether i've tried to do the right thing?
Because even if my friends did me wrong, they somehow managed to ignore the fact that they did me wrong and turn their back and abandoned these friendships.
I'm really in awe.
So can they do that? Without having to feel guilty that they've made their friends suffer because of their selfishness?
I know everyone's self-centered to a certain extent... But why, at the end of the day, i'm the losing end when i'm trying to do my very best for every friendships that i have?
Why, that people can accept their bad habits or attitudes but not mine?
This has been a quiet-er Christmas... and my birthday to come.
I can't deny that i'm pretty disappointed at how things have turn out because i know i've tried my best and i'm not guilty at all, but why, hasn't these people treasure me?
Why am i the only one who's still trying to sustain this friendship?
And why are the people around us willing to accept him/her letting me down but not acknowledging my efforts?
So if i can be or act whatever i want, what am i the lonely / disappointed one?
Haha. What a useless ranting entry.
But at the very least, i've Tous to look forward to tomorrow and my brand new limited edition converse shoes from Kai!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*dear God will you let my life to go on more smoothly, please?*
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 12/23/2007 12:56:00 AM
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
1 and 1/2 month to the end of the stupid custody which nobody really cares but still want to fight for. I used to hope for them to fight for it, but now i'm just too hurt of being used as a convenient excuse.
Keep shouting for your praise, no matter how tired i am...!
God let things happen for a reason, i know.
Life is good, i know.
These are just the many pebbles on my unpaved life path, i know.
Though my feet's bleeding again...
A tear for a year.
I've forgotten to add this to my previous enty:
1 and 1/2 month to the end of the stupid custody which nobody really cares but still want to fight for. I used to hope for them to fight for it, but now i'm just too hurt of being used as a convenient excuse.
Keep shouting for your praise, no matter how tired i am...!
God let things happen for a reason, i know.
Life is good, i know.
These are just the many pebbles on my unpaved life path, i know.
Though my feet's bleeding again...
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 11/21/2007 01:02:00 AM
Friday, November 9, 2007
Never felt this lost and lonely until i checked myself into the A&E department on my own. Felt like crying, especially with the sight of so many sick people and worried relatives, all unsure of what would become of their future.
My twin sister thought it was funny to take a photo of me sleeping with my mouth wide open.
1st time staying in the hospital.
1st time lying on hospital bed.
1st time on drip,
and also 1st time being bound by it.
1st time not eating anything for 1 whole day.
1st time feel that Long John Sliver is the best food ever (because Ab was eating that while all i can do is smell it)
It was nothing like i imagined it to be.
No friends or boyfriend, no sunflowers or cuddly bears with get well soon cards, no hugs and kisses...
The people whom i've spent 5 days a week with didn't really shown any concern about me being admitted to the hospital... I should have been used to it, but i can't help feeling disappointed...
I never realised how much i need my family and friends till now.
How patient and caring my Pa and Ab is.
How grateful i am to have a twin sister by my side.
Especially now that i can't contact Kai or see the Tous at all.
Nonetheless i'm really grateful to have my 6e peeps to visit me and accompanied for the afternoon. I know you guys are pretty busy with exams, NS and everything but yet you guys came. I'm touched beyond words.
God thank you.
Anyhow, i've just discharged from the hospital but the pain was still there. I'm feeling really tired and nauseous. They're going to refer me to KK hospital soon.
God, i'm really glad you answered my prayers and didn't let me spend a night of loneliness and pain. But who do these things just keep happening at the worst timing? I'm beginning to think that i'm Satan's favourite target already. :(
WHY??!?!
1st hospital stay...
Was admitted to the hospital yesterday because of suspected appendicitis...
Never felt this lost and lonely until i checked myself into the A&E department on my own. Felt like crying, especially with the sight of so many sick people and worried relatives, all unsure of what would become of their future.
My twin sister thought it was funny to take a photo of me sleeping with my mouth wide open.
1st time staying in the hospital.
1st time lying on hospital bed.
1st time on drip,
and also 1st time being bound by it.
1st time not eating anything for 1 whole day.
1st time feel that Long John Sliver is the best food ever (because Ab was eating that while all i can do is smell it)
It was nothing like i imagined it to be.
No friends or boyfriend, no sunflowers or cuddly bears with get well soon cards, no hugs and kisses...
The people whom i've spent 5 days a week with didn't really shown any concern about me being admitted to the hospital... I should have been used to it, but i can't help feeling disappointed...
I never realised how much i need my family and friends till now.
How patient and caring my Pa and Ab is.
How grateful i am to have a twin sister by my side.
Especially now that i can't contact Kai or see the Tous at all.
Nonetheless i'm really grateful to have my 6e peeps to visit me and accompanied for the afternoon. I know you guys are pretty busy with exams, NS and everything but yet you guys came. I'm touched beyond words.
God thank you.
Anyhow, i've just discharged from the hospital but the pain was still there. I'm feeling really tired and nauseous. They're going to refer me to KK hospital soon.
God, i'm really glad you answered my prayers and didn't let me spend a night of loneliness and pain. But who do these things just keep happening at the worst timing? I'm beginning to think that i'm Satan's favourite target already. :(
WHY??!?!
Labels: emo, photos, thoughts and reflection
looked up to the sky at 11/09/2007 10:12:00 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Sometimes i know i should be sure of myself.
But most of the time i'm just not sure.
But nobody (or rarely) will come and tell you how good you actually are and comfort you. I guess that's how the world works. If you aren't sure or confident, then get out of the way because they've no time for you.
Then again... Is it really this way? Is this how the world really works?
I know the world is spinning fast, but I don't really wanna believe it.
So many worries and fear inside me,
Suddenly at my 20th years of life, I'm really very scared and unsure of the future.
Nothing i could do except to pray that everything will turn out fine and Father God to be there with me.
Sorry for the whines and grumbling. I just wish that there's more to life than learning everything the tedious way because i'm abit tired already.
By the way Kai's leaving for Aussie this coming end of the month... :/
SHUTTTTUPPPPPPPP ISABELLLLLLL
If only Father you could guide and forgive me on what to do...
Sometimes i know i'm great.
Sometimes i know i should be sure of myself.
But most of the time i'm just not sure.
But nobody (or rarely) will come and tell you how good you actually are and comfort you. I guess that's how the world works. If you aren't sure or confident, then get out of the way because they've no time for you.
Then again... Is it really this way? Is this how the world really works?
I know the world is spinning fast, but I don't really wanna believe it.
So many worries and fear inside me,
Suddenly at my 20th years of life, I'm really very scared and unsure of the future.
Nothing i could do except to pray that everything will turn out fine and Father God to be there with me.
Sorry for the whines and grumbling. I just wish that there's more to life than learning everything the tedious way because i'm abit tired already.
By the way Kai's leaving for Aussie this coming end of the month... :/
SHUTTTTUPPPPPPPP ISABELLLLLLL
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 10/23/2007 05:25:00 PM
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Sometimes i really wondered if i neglected them 1st, or if they neglected me 1st, thus causing me to seek shelter from others and also neglected them.
Thus causing this huge gap between us.
Life's really like a chain.
A's nagging would become B's problem, thus causing B to nag/vent his/her frustration to C, and the chain goes on.
It still hits me even when i'm trying not to give a damn about these fake lasting friendship. I don't really want to be a punching bag. Every time we had a stupid gathering i just want to scream at the hypocritical friendship we have tried to long to maintain.
Isn't it time for you all to 覺悟? Or should i 覺悟 1st?
cloudy.
I'm having that taken for granted/neglected feeling again.
Sometimes i really wondered if i neglected them 1st, or if they neglected me 1st, thus causing me to seek shelter from others and also neglected them.
Thus causing this huge gap between us.
Life's really like a chain.
A's nagging would become B's problem, thus causing B to nag/vent his/her frustration to C, and the chain goes on.
It still hits me even when i'm trying not to give a damn about these fake lasting friendship. I don't really want to be a punching bag. Every time we had a stupid gathering i just want to scream at the hypocritical friendship we have tried to long to maintain.
Isn't it time for you all to 覺悟? Or should i 覺悟 1st?
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 9/29/2007 12:51:00 AM
Sunday, August 26, 2007
it's moments like this that really make me wish i'm dead, so that they'll fucking know how much they've hurted me.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 8/26/2007 11:19:00 PM
Monday, July 23, 2007
When people see her they'll smile, not take advantage or use her as a punching bag..
I tried to be contented and happy with i have.
But sometimes it's really kinda hard when people (you love) just tend to frown only at you.
I believe, i really believe that i'm not as bad to be receiving these treatments from you guys. And i know He believe in me too.
But right now, I'm just very tired... Really. But still gotta hang on...
Somehwere over the rainbow?
The girl whom i dream to be would be bubbly and kind, quiet yet warm and friendly. This girl would be contented with what she has and will always be optimistic and faithful. She'll also be always smiling. When people see her they would have the image of a chocolate muffin in mind...
I tried to be contented and happy with i have.
But sometimes it's really kinda hard when people (you love) just tend to frown only at you.
I believe, i really believe that i'm not as bad to be receiving these treatments from you guys. And i know He believe in me too.
But right now, I'm just very tired... Really. But still gotta hang on...
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 7/23/2007 11:24:00 PM
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Is there a hate/irritate isabel day?
Why does everyone just love to criticise, vent anger or disturb me, even though it isn't my fault?
Be it at home, at work or even with my very own friends.
Where is the peace?
God.... Is it me? If so just point it out, i'll try my best to change it.
But if it's your little mood swing routine then can you please fucking stop it because i'm you're causing my mood swing too, damn it.
Why does everybody have to do this to me? Are you trying to tell me how insignificant i am?
I really don't understand... It's making me so suicidal.
I blasted my Christian songs through my earphones, and i started reading the secrets in post secret sg...
1 of them said:
There are days that i wanna die so that i can see who comes to my funeral.
Then I'd know those are the people who really truly love me.
And then they'll know how much they'll miss me.
Now, I'm nobody to anybody in the whole world.
I was feeling relief and heartache-y when i saw that. Because finally... Somebody feel that way too.
Only difference is even if my whole world collapse, i'm still a somebody to God. I hope.
I gotta admit to habour such thoughts, not sparing a thought for the people who truly care or love.
But then again. Who started it 1st...?
I miss kai so much.
Do you want forgiveness?
I really don't understand...
Why does everyone just love to criticise, vent anger or disturb me, even though it isn't my fault?
Be it at home, at work or even with my very own friends.
Where is the peace?
God.... Is it me? If so just point it out, i'll try my best to change it.
Why does everybody have to do this to me? Are you trying to tell me how insignificant i am?
I really don't understand... It's making me so suicidal.
I blasted my Christian songs through my earphones, and i started reading the secrets in post secret sg...
1 of them said:
There are days that i wanna die so that i can see who comes to my funeral.
Then I'd know those are the people who really truly love me.
And then they'll know how much they'll miss me.
Now, I'm nobody to anybody in the whole world.
I was feeling relief and heartache-y when i saw that. Because finally... Somebody feel that way too.
Only difference is even if my whole world collapse, i'm still a somebody to God. I hope.
Oh yes, I know this tension that you speak of
We're in the palm of a hand making a fist
It'd be best for one of us to speak up
But we prefer to pretend it does not exist
And you can't see past the blood on my hands
To see that you've been aptly damned
To fail and fail again
Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too
So don't you dare blame me for
Prying open the door
Let's unleash the bitterness
That's here in the midst of this
Sometimes we live for no one but ourselves
And what we've been striving for
Has turned into nothing more
Than bodies limp on the floor
Victims of falling short
We kiss goodbye the cheek of our true love
Relient K - Forgiven.
I gotta admit to habour such thoughts, not sparing a thought for the people who truly care or love.
But then again. Who started it 1st...?
I miss kai so much.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 7/18/2007 11:43:00 PM
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I'm not sure why, but i'm just easily discouraged and depressed these days. But others see it as over-sensitivity.
To be honest i really hate that term... I really think we all have moments like that... Or is it me?
I was really scared, because half of me didn't know why am i being so annoying, and half of me is really afraid that my depression is back again.
I don't want to lose what i did in the past, especially my love ones and myself.
But it was until today then i realised how impatient the people around me are towards such situation. And it's really making me even sadder.
They wouldn't ask what happen, they wouldn't really understand.
Why am i the one who's worried if my depression will affect others when they were the one who affected me?
Sometimes i really wish i couldn't care much about them, just like how they did to me. And even if they give a hoot, it's insensitive stuffs.
But as much as we weren't that close, i didn't want to lose that friendships either. So in the end i apologise again.
But usually when they get mad or depress they just do whatever they want and said the meanest things without saying sorry, as if it has never happen before.
It make me feel really very sad and discouraged... Because i know if even i have problems, or worst if my depression's back... They will never be there for me. In fact they are the ones to steer away.
After months of working together... I kinda hoped for this relationships to last.
Why am i the only one who feel this way...?
Is it me? Am i the only one blinded?
The good thing is, the ones who were there for me, namely Tous, is still there...
But i'm still so sad and the only way is to keep praying...
oh my God, can i complain?
It's been awhile, but my mood swing/ depression is back to haunt me again lately...
I'm not sure why, but i'm just easily discouraged and depressed these days. But others see it as over-sensitivity.
To be honest i really hate that term... I really think we all have moments like that... Or is it me?
I was really scared, because half of me didn't know why am i being so annoying, and half of me is really afraid that my depression is back again.
I don't want to lose what i did in the past, especially my love ones and myself.
But it was until today then i realised how impatient the people around me are towards such situation. And it's really making me even sadder.
They wouldn't ask what happen, they wouldn't really understand.
Why am i the one who's worried if my depression will affect others when they were the one who affected me?
Sometimes i really wish i couldn't care much about them, just like how they did to me. And even if they give a hoot, it's insensitive stuffs.
But as much as we weren't that close, i didn't want to lose that friendships either. So in the end i apologise again.
But usually when they get mad or depress they just do whatever they want and said the meanest things without saying sorry, as if it has never happen before.
It make me feel really very sad and discouraged... Because i know if even i have problems, or worst if my depression's back... They will never be there for me. In fact they are the ones to steer away.
After months of working together... I kinda hoped for this relationships to last.
Why am i the only one who feel this way...?
Is it me? Am i the only one blinded?
The good thing is, the ones who were there for me, namely Tous, is still there...
But i'm still so sad and the only way is to keep praying...
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 7/11/2007 12:25:00 AM
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I could hardly recongise Kai in his uniform and without his hair. But i'm really glad to attend his graduation ceremony cause he look absolutely like an ah beng-turns-pastor in that graduation gown.
Anyway had a good time with him and i'm missing him alot now... :/
After sending Kai off after lunch with his Pa, i quickly hide in the office in the whole day and prayed that i won't bump into any of those ex-'classmates'.
I'm really heipi for them... But i wish we ARE classmates, not just stranger for now.
I wish i was part of them.
In fact i wish i was home so i cried my heart out cause it feels really terrible to be left out, to be forgotten, to not belong to anywhere...
And that my absence would make alot people feel more comfortable.
I wish i'm graduating too. I wish i belong somewhere. The more i think about it the more i wanna skip the whole ceremony. But i crave for it, just a simple graduation ceremony so my Pa could witness and take photos with my friends.
What friends? Haha. Everybody will be gone with their cliques and nobody will remember this loser cross leveler.
Dearest God, i seek comforts and reassurance in the plans you already have for me and that everything will be fine. I pray earnestly to You, my mighty saviour that everything... Will be okie...
I just want you to know that i'm still praying and thinking about you... But i don't know what to help except to get out of your sights.
..... I don't suppose you remember anything good about me eh?
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
Runaway... When are you gonna stay?
I know i've been rather emo and touchy these days... But all i need is your understanding and a hug.
I'm looking onwards to You, my universe...
I'm seeking shelter under your feathered wings that everything will be okie...
Runaway
Yesterday was Kai's graduation... As well as the mass communication cohort which i should belong to.
I could hardly recongise Kai in his uniform and without his hair. But i'm really glad to attend his graduation ceremony cause he look absolutely like an ah beng-turns-pastor in that graduation gown.
Anyway had a good time with him and i'm missing him alot now... :/
After sending Kai off after lunch with his Pa, i quickly hide in the office in the whole day and prayed that i won't bump into any of those ex-'classmates'.
I'm really heipi for them... But i wish we ARE classmates, not just stranger for now.
I wish i was part of them.
In fact i wish i was home so i cried my heart out cause it feels really terrible to be left out, to be forgotten, to not belong to anywhere...
And that my absence would make alot people feel more comfortable.
I wish i'm graduating too. I wish i belong somewhere. The more i think about it the more i wanna skip the whole ceremony. But i crave for it, just a simple graduation ceremony so my Pa could witness and take photos with my friends.
What friends? Haha. Everybody will be gone with their cliques and nobody will remember this loser cross leveler.
Dearest God, i seek comforts and reassurance in the plans you already have for me and that everything will be fine. I pray earnestly to You, my mighty saviour that everything... Will be okie...
I just want you to know that i'm still praying and thinking about you... But i don't know what to help except to get out of your sights.
..... I don't suppose you remember anything good about me eh?
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
Runaway... When are you gonna stay?
I know i've been rather emo and touchy these days... But all i need is your understanding and a hug.
I'm looking onwards to You, my universe...
I'm seeking shelter under your feathered wings that everything will be okie...
Labels: emo, thoughts and reflection
looked up to the sky at 6/16/2007 01:43:00 AM
Friday, June 8, 2007
What's the point of going to the doctor, spend 26 bucks just mainly for that piece of MC if i'm all well and fine?
Think i have alot money to spend is it?
Can't you just be more considerate? Or nicer? Is that very hard?
Can't you just show more concern rather than just call me for what you want, especially when i'm sick?
Go away.
What's the point of going to the doctor if you still think i can still perform as per normal?
What's the point of going to the doctor, spend 26 bucks just mainly for that piece of MC if i'm all well and fine?
Think i have alot money to spend is it?
Can't you just be more considerate? Or nicer? Is that very hard?
Can't you just show more concern rather than just call me for what you want, especially when i'm sick?
Go away.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 6/08/2007 05:07:00 PM
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wrote a very mean and emo blog entry that involves saying "Fuck You" on everybody's profiles and publish it.
I went to Yutong's blog.
And i cam back and deleted the entry.
I just need some reminder, some grace.
Stay with me... Please.
Reminder.
I sat through the night browsing through stupid friendster and feeling all emo again.
Wrote a very mean and emo blog entry that involves saying "Fuck You" on everybody's profiles and publish it.
I went to Yutong's blog.
And i cam back and deleted the entry.
I just need some reminder, some grace.
Stay with me... Please.
Labels: emo
looked up to the sky at 5/31/2007 06:32:00 AM
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Maybe it's beyond words, or perhaps i just didn't want to admit.
I'm still feeling pretty much discouraged and down..
Am i really a bad worker that i don't deserve a praise?
Am i so far from standard or am i asking too much? I don't know.
I really would like to like you... And my work.
But all i feel is drained and discouraged.
I wish i would be considered... Not as a replacement, but as who i am too.
I wish to be praised.. for all those sleepless night and efforts.
I wish that you guys would understand... and stop throwing tempers on me.
I wish you guys would treat me as a friend.. and not just a some worker.
I wish you guys to be contended... Cause i'm pretty much in a worse situation than you are.
I wish you guys would support me... Cause i can hardly hold on.
Every new morning's like a new start for me.
But you never get to see the nights that i've to go through.
Hai this emo shit is draining me too.
How does it feel to be You?
I'm not very sure why i seldom blogged when i have so much to say...
Maybe it's beyond words, or perhaps i just didn't want to admit.
I'm still feeling pretty much discouraged and down..
Am i really a bad worker that i don't deserve a praise?
Am i so far from standard or am i asking too much? I don't know.
I really would like to like you... And my work.
But all i feel is drained and discouraged.
I wish i would be considered... Not as a replacement, but as who i am too.
I wish to be praised.. for all those sleepless night and efforts.
I wish that you guys would understand... and stop throwing tempers on me.
I wish you guys would treat me as a friend.. and not just a some worker.
I wish you guys to be contended... Cause i'm pretty much in a worse situation than you are.
I wish you guys would support me... Cause i can hardly hold on.
Every new morning's like a new start for me.
But you never get to see the nights that i've to go through.
Hai this emo shit is draining me too.
Labels: emo
Au revoir
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