Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Or rather, whenever i see them...
It's really weird, because we've knew each other more than a decade, and has meeting up regularly over the years. But we our actual friendship span might be a year's worth. As much as I'm very appreciative for these friendships, we never ever get/want to close up the gap between us.
It has probably gotten to a point whereby all the opposite sex, including my own boyfriend, might be on better terms than them.
Having to watch them taking pics among themselves at every gatherings is becoming a torture to me. It's so tormenting that i feel like giving up on gatherings sometimes.
Sometimes i don't even know what's my existence there for... Watch my decade-old friends boasting on their bonds as i slipped into the background, hide in shame for my inability to bond?
I know we're all selective about the things around us. Who can be best friends with everybody? Heck, I have 3 best friends to understand this theory well enough. But this 'exclusive' selectivity has become so brutally raw... that it's so painful to watch. Sometimes I really wish i could dig a hole to temporary soothe the pain and awkwardness...
It's almost like a type of public display of affection among friends, only you're not part of it at all...
Lately, it has become so bad that i can almost feel depression at my fingertips, gradually spreading to hands, my lungs, my heart... and finally my brain.
I can't stop rubbing my hands. My fingers start to tremble. My breathing getting harder. My heartbeat getting faster, and my head starts to get irrational.
I can't stop looking at Kai, seeking for his gaze, to tell him how insecure and scared i am.
It's such a familiar feeling... A feeling that i still very much fear.
It's the very same feeling that once tore my mind and soul apart. I can almost feel this inner demon inside me, wanting to be unleash once again.
I really do not want to go back to the very same nightmare again.
I know my will/determination/attitude has always been much weaker than the others. Which is why i need to self-quarantine myself from the people mentioned above before it gets worse... Before i thoroughly lose the remaining friendships i have... Before my loved ones and me can't recongise myself again... I'm sorry...
Wallpaper
I find the ability to stay cheerful harder these couple of days.
Or rather, whenever i see them...
It's really weird, because we've knew each other more than a decade, and has meeting up regularly over the years. But we our actual friendship span might be a year's worth. As much as I'm very appreciative for these friendships, we never ever get/want to close up the gap between us.
It has probably gotten to a point whereby all the opposite sex, including my own boyfriend, might be on better terms than them.
Having to watch them taking pics among themselves at every gatherings is becoming a torture to me. It's so tormenting that i feel like giving up on gatherings sometimes.
Sometimes i don't even know what's my existence there for... Watch my decade-old friends boasting on their bonds as i slipped into the background, hide in shame for my inability to bond?
I know we're all selective about the things around us. Who can be best friends with everybody? Heck, I have 3 best friends to understand this theory well enough. But this 'exclusive' selectivity has become so brutally raw... that it's so painful to watch. Sometimes I really wish i could dig a hole to temporary soothe the pain and awkwardness...
It's almost like a type of public display of affection among friends, only you're not part of it at all...
Lately, it has become so bad that i can almost feel depression at my fingertips, gradually spreading to hands, my lungs, my heart... and finally my brain.
I can't stop rubbing my hands. My fingers start to tremble. My breathing getting harder. My heartbeat getting faster, and my head starts to get irrational.
I can't stop looking at Kai, seeking for his gaze, to tell him how insecure and scared i am.
It's such a familiar feeling... A feeling that i still very much fear.
It's the very same feeling that once tore my mind and soul apart. I can almost feel this inner demon inside me, wanting to be unleash once again.
I really do not want to go back to the very same nightmare again.
I know my will/determination/attitude has always been much weaker than the others. Which is why i need to self-quarantine myself from the people mentioned above before it gets worse... Before i thoroughly lose the remaining friendships i have... Before my loved ones and me can't recongise myself again... I'm sorry...
Labels: emo
Au revoir
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