Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I am because of who You are.

As the year's coming to an end... I'm feeling so depressed.
Almost this entire week i've been throwing tempers, getting angry over the slighest things, snapped at people... blah blah and other ugly stuffs that i've lost count already.

Especially sorry to the people i've snapped at... Namely Kai, Yan, Fang, my family... And beloved God...

It's like a-magnified-isabel's-flaw programme, a pre 20th-crisis. I feel so condemned again.

As i looked back at my almost 20th year on earth..
What have i achieved?
Who am i? I don't know.
What have i done to add joy to this world?
I know i heard my 'mother'complaining to annabel on the phone just now.
I know my father snapped at me on the phone.
I don't know what my father and friends want for christmas this year anymore...

All i know is what i want. I can hardly recongise myself... This materialistic me.

Even for my prayers... My only communication with God feels so ugly.
All i could pray is for everything to go smoothly for me and the people around me.
What happen to God? What happen to Jesus? He gave his love unconditionally to me, he DIED for me!
For mere loser me!

So who am i to talk about that bloody dress that i want? That nice christmas and birthday that i want? WHO?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

I feel so disconnected... So depressed... So condemned... So self-centered... So ugly.

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
- Casting crowns, Who am I.

Forgive me father, i'll do anything to get close to you again.
Damn the devil, he's nothing compared to you my Lord.
Save my soul, cleanse my heart please.

Labels: beloved God, thoughts and reflection